Friday, June 23, 2017

I've Lost My Mind.

Do any other parents plan out their summers with their children? For example going on vacation or those with smaller children, trying to keep them sharp for the upcoming school year. That second one was me. I say was because for about two months I planned out how I was going to keep my kids involved with learning over the summer along with a bunch of fun stuff I picked up off of pinterest.

Let me start of by saying I have failed miserably. Not only did I not stick to the plan, but I feel like I've failed as a mother in general. I say that because the first week of Scott being out of school I thought, "Ok, I have got flash cards and workbooks galore along with a bunch of fun projects for us to do. What could go wrong?"

*in my narrating voice* "she had no idea that everything would be going wrong."

So my plans were to keep everything as similar to how his daily schedule at school would be. I included Gracie because I wanted her to join in and gain something as well. Everything was going fine the first half of the morning. We did reading time, arts and crafts, and went over flash cards. It was the moment I decided it was time to do work in the work book where my plans fell apart. TEARS EVERYWHERE! I do not know if its because we are home and not in his ideal learning space or what but he was not having it. This resulted in Gracie crying because brother was crying.

I tried to sort of push through it like what his therapist would suggest, however that just made things worse. He dropped the pencil and ran off into the playroom crying. I've tried to continue to keep the routine, but its been about four weeks and its still the same results. I can't begin to explain how this makes me feel like I am doing so bad at the mom thing. It makes me pretty sad because I thought I could do something beneficial for him.

Since school let out he has been incredibly hyper too. I would personally like to know how my 58 pound child wakes up ready to run around the house like the damn flash at 7:00 in the morning? how kid? HOW?!?! I wish I had that much energy. With that being said I feel like he might be really under stimulated because as of lately he'll throw more tantrums. What's bad about that is its gotten to the point where he'll throw the iPad around every time he gets upset and I honestly don't know how to calm him down.

This is why I feel like an awful mom because I simply do not know what to do.  I know others in the autism community will say "just let him throw his tantrum." Ok well What happens when that tantrum turns into a meltdown that lasts longer that 10 minutes? then what? Its not like I don't try to console him and reassure him that everything is going to be alright. I do that and I hear, "You need to quit babying your 6 year old."

I'm not perfect, but I am damn sure trying. Everyday I wake up wanting to be the best mother I can for my children. Some days are just harder than others. Some days I want to break down and cry because I fell like I didn't do more. But at the end of the day when Scott and Gracie are giving me hugs, snuggles and kisses...I think, it doesn't matter how hard I tried, because to these kids I am enough and they love me no matter what. Even if I feel like I've lost  my mind for that day.

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